My mom always sent us kids things she would find. Quotes, phrases, and such. One specifically comes to mind that was sent two weeks before she was diagnosed. It was supposed to have been written by an elderly lady, in her final years, after a long and wonderful life. The note from her that came with it was funny, she was laughing about it and making us promise that when she grew older, we wouldn’t make fun of her forgetful mind or other habits that accompany old age.
“When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me when I get to the end of my life, just be with me with love.” the quote read.
We had no clue. No earthly idea, how much this “fwd” would become our reality. We did, we were just with her, we understood she was at the end of her life, but sad? Yes we were sad. We are still sad.
Ten months ago she died. Twelve months ago she was taking my kids to the park, she was grocery shopping, she was reading a good novel in her favorite chair. So the fact that two months sucked the life quite literally out of her, still baffles me.
Still. Baffles. Me.
I have had a noisy storm in my midst lately. Unable to fully put my finger on it, but feeling it. You know? Lingering, in the back of my head? Hearing it? The buzzing? I’m sure it is the impending anniversary, everything the next two months will bring. I’m not looking forward to it. No, no I’m not.
So I feel as though I need some quiet. I need to step aside from the storm. At least from the noise of it, the storm is coming. October is coming. The fall, is coming. It’s all just around the bend.
I need to write, I need to finish my book. Her book, our book, whatever it is. And I can’t when it’s so loud.
What’s this noise? It’s social media. Which I realize sounds odd, especially if you know me. Odd, yes. But I need a break. I don’t know what on earth a break means, I don’t know when or if I’ll be back. I may decide one day to have my husband log on and delete it all. I truly don’t know.
I just know the noise keeps me from being the wife and mom I am meant to be, I know the noise is where I’ve shared so much of my life: blogging, shooting, wifery, pregnancies, job loss, PPD, my children, my mom’s death – it’s where I’ve quite literally poured my heart out in photo/status form.
The noise has brought many amazing people to my life – so, very, many. But like my dear friend Tiffany said recently, “I knew the kids aren’t going to grow up and say, ‘I’m really grateful for your established instagram presence while we were growing up. Thanks mom.’”
So for whatever reason, God’s placed it on my heart to silence the noise. And I am, right now. I’m going to share with intent here on my blog, so you can find me here. If we are friends, you have my number and can keep in touch there. I would love that so.
I’m going to write, get my story out, her story. You see though, every time I use social media I’m giving away pieces of my book. There is a lot I’ve not shared, but with the anniversary coming I see how easy it would be to give it all away. And that isn’t what I want.
No, no no.
I’m going to sit down with my kids without the quick thought to IG our moment. I’m going to cradle my mom’s urn and sob onto it without letting 2300+ people on IG know I did so. I’m going to enjoy the beauty of a sunset with my DSLR and close friends. I think I want to try to be, in these moments, with my people, without inviting everyone else along. Yes, I think that’s it.
I’m going to silence the noise, and see where that takes me.
Thanks for gathering around me, over there, on those social media places. For praying for my mom, for hugging me when she at last, took her final breath. Thank you for allowing me to share oh so many random things.
The noise was so much good for me, for such a very long time.
Many hugs and many thanks…