“She laid on my chest & her breathing filled me almost to beyond what I could hold.” -story people
oh this girl. this sweet, sweet girl was conceived during what would be the most difficult and trying year in our family. when i asked the lord how a new baby could be in his plan – i was constantly reminded that indeed, she was. as she grew within me and i felt her little kicks, i found myself full of hope and anticipation for this unexpected gift.
after a long and crazy pregnancy, i finally hit full term around christmas-time. the boys both came a few weeks early and after all the scares miss quinn threw at us, i thought for sure we would have a 2011 baby. 37 weeks, 38 weeks, 39 weeks came and went and i was discouraged. frustrated, uncomfortable, in constant pain, and so incredibly anxious i thought i might burst. time and time again i thought labor was imminent, as i’d been contracting for 10 weeks at that point, only to deal with more false labor. little did i know that the timing of our darling girl’s arrival would be just perfect. the smallest details and life circumstances would fall into place and we would see how in the end, his timing is so much better than ours.
i had my 39 week appointment on wednesday january 4. i would see a new midwife as my precious ob was out on maternity leave – and i was nervous. of all times to change, the end of a high-risk pregnancy felt so wrong. looking back i’m so thankful for this woman, and again the timing in the change. she was amazing and so caring and sweet. (sidenote: i would learn just how unique this daughter of mine was. up until this pregnancy my body has proven that it doesn’t like to make any change prior to labor. as in, zero change.) so much to my surprise the week before i was dilated to 2cm and almost completely thin. of course i thought this must mean something. alas i would have another week of pregnancy left. i digress, at my 39 week appointment i found out i was now 3.5cm – i about fell off the table. this wasn’t how my body did things! at 3.5cm with the boys i was writhing in pain. how could i just walk into kaiser, normal as can be, at 3.5?? finally! all those contractions were actually doing something. the midwife stripped my membranes and encouraged me it wouldn’t be long. she even offered induction 2 days later as we live an hour from the hospital and i was pretty much in early-active labor. upon her suggestion to go walk (as if we haven’t been doing that already) i headed back to our friend’s house where the boys were hanging out. i walked for an hour and had some lunch. at my appointment that morning, the midwife suggested i stop by labor & delivery to get checked one final time before heading back home just to be safe – so that was the plan.
then i began to realize these contractions were a bit more regular than they had been in the weeks prior. i tried so hard to ignore them, not wanting to get my hopes up, yet again. knowing i planned to stop in l & d before driving the hour home, i just hung out for a while longer. about 2pm i decided maybe i should just go get checked out. the last thing i wanted was to sit in traffic for over an hour with my two boys, contracting every 3-4 minutes. my friend krista got a sitter for our kids and drove me to kaiser. the doctor on call was less than pleasant and told me even though i was now 4cm i wasn’t truly in labor – but just to be “nice” she let me walk for an hour or so. and so it began. more walking. sweet krista walked those halls with me, without complaint for another 2 + hours. i had no idea when/if to call justin, or our moms, or my best friend/photographer. it was all in the hands of whoever checked me after our walk. knowing each of them was at least an hour from arrival was a bit stressful, but i just kept walking, squatting, bouncing. i was determined…
thankfully a darling midwife was the one to check me, dr less-than-nice was busy with another patient. it was now about 5:30pm and i was 4.5cm. she offered to admit me with the knowledge that i might need a bit of help getting these contractions somewhat stronger. hooray! i wouldn’t be leaving without sweet quinn in my arms. we began texting and calling, letting everyone know! as my previous labors were not quick, we figured we had plenty of time. the contractions were painful but somewhat manageable and since i knew pitocin was in my future, i opted for an epidural. justin arrived as i was getting prepped and slowly the rest of my ‘team’ showed up. my parents weren’t living in california for the other babies and were so excited to be a part of this birth. when the midwife who would deliver quinn walked in, much to my surprise she looked familiar. she happened to be the same woman who delivered luke! what a blessing. she was incredible and i was so thankful to know i was in extra good hands, yet again.
soon i was settled in – my awesome best friend & photographer remembered my request from months before and set up her bose stereo, playing the sweet sounds of sarah mclachlan. i was feeling just enough to keep me on top of things, with the edge of the intense pain off. i had considered going for a med-free birth earlier in the pregnancy and then pre-term labor hit and my focus went elsewhere. i didn’t feel prepared emotionally or mentally to experience something completely different than i had before, and was so thankful for the slight help the epidural gave me. not too long after, i felt a pop and a warm gush. my water had broken! as silly as it may sound i’ve never experienced this on my own before and knowing this would be our last baby i desperately wanted to know what that felt like. ask anyone who was there, i was giddy over this. water was clear and i felt confident that things would finally move along now.
about 8:30pm i was checked, 6cm. i sighed and realized we would most likely repeat the labors i experienced with my boys (long waiting with hours of pushing). my brother and sister in law were in and we were chatting, about 9pm now – when i began to feel things. painful, painful things. first down low, then quickly moving upward. i reached for my button to push a bit more medicine, only to find it a failure. nothing was taking this pain away. all the sudden i realized my epidural was gone. i had total movement of my legs and body and was feeling. every. single. one.
it hadn’t been long since i’d been checked so panic set in. i really started to freak out. i wasn’t prepared for this kind of pain, i was prepared for calm and easy pushing. long pushing, yet pain-free pushing. this is when i began to go to a different place. it’s hard to explain, but the intensity and surprise of what i was experiencing took over and everything became fuzzy. the midwife came in to check me, which i remember feeling surprised about. why would she do this, when it hadn’t been that long since she checked me last? just to disappoint me? i recall telling her over and over how much it hurt and she offered to get more medicine for me.
what happened next was like a something from a dream – vivid yet without total clarity. the pain was incredible and with very little reprieve. in one breath she offered to bring back the epidural, and another she ordered the nurses to begin prep. it was 9:30pm. the calm smile never left her face as she told me to push. push?? why? are you kidding me? i was in shock, in pain, and in shock. what about the medicine she promised me? how could i do this on my own, without the safety net of the epidural i felt so comfortable with? everyone was moving fluidly, and i felt like i was in a bubble. surrounded by those most important to me, yet feeling out of control and full of fear. my mind quickly went to the four hours of pushing with danny and the long wait with luke to get to 10cm. if this birth repeated either of those i would surely not be able to handle it. time passed without my knowledge and felt like an eternity as i began to push.
it seems our darling girl had her own agenda. my original goal of a med-free birth would come to be, in the end. the midwife had a surprised look on her face and i felt my sweet husband’s hands on the back of my head. encouraging me yet again, just as he had done twice before. i closed my eyes and tried to take in this moment – but was overcome with that fear again as i finally connected with the fact that i would be doing this, feeling this. every tiny last bit of it. it was 9:40pm when i began to push, the pressure rose and the pain intensified. all of the sudden i heard “she has hair! she has a lot of hair!” my mama’s tears flowed down onto my arm as she watched and i couldn’t quite register what she was saying. how did she know this? there was no way her head was already out, i started pushing at -1 station… sure enough, after only 13 minutes of pushing, our precious gift, our little quinn was born.
and what a head of hair she had. born on january 4 at 9:53pm. weighing 9 lb, 1 oz & 21 inches long. i could hardly believe it, could hardly fathom how blessed we were, that she was finally here! healthy and here. as the room quieted i could hear the soft & soulful words of sarah mclachlan, i held my new daughter and ever so slowly the dream-like state of the last hour became more in focus. i was taking in the site of her, the feel of her skin and the surprising fact that she came so quickly.
the pain and discomfort i felt was, of course, well worth it. i did it! finally, our family was complete and i looked around the room – thankful to have been able to share that moment and to have given sweet quinn such a welcoming birth-day party.
in the two weeks we have known her, we’ve been happily surprised by her laid back disposition. she isn’t big on sleeping on her own, but is really just the most darling thing. her brothers adore her and she already has daddy wrapped around her tiny fingers. and all those questions i had, the reservations and worry, the wondering how a new baby could be in his plan? washed away. no, life doesn’t magically become perfect – but this tiny girl has brought more healing and happiness in just 14 days than anything else could have. we’re pretty smitten, and pretty thankful.
and in case you haven’t heard, i’m sharing a daily glimpse into my mornings with quinn over at my new blog. i’d love to have you join me there too.
(images thanks to shalina)
Perhaps I will, on my own blog maybe… start a conversation of sorts. Ha. 
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