i’ve spent the better part of my adult life picking out paints from home depot, re-arranging furniture, hanging and re-hanging and moving and re-re-hanging photos. i even remember as a child always moving my room around until it felt just right. it drives my husband crazy but he loves me.
when we moved from our house in 2009 i had the chance to totally start fresh. our new place was smaller but a blank canvas. i simplified, downgraded, and made it as home-y as possible. we moved again and again. each time i packed up my precious “things” and found them a new place to live, on a new wall or in a new basket. then our lives got turned upside down and all these things were put into either storage or my inlaws’ garage. a change that was to be only a few months – turned into a nearly a year.
i thought of those things constantly. i dreamed of our next place and how i couldn’t wait to get my hands on our things. sometimes i would drive to storage simply to look at it all. run my fingers along the baskets and boxes and photographs.
as we prepared to move this spring i was devastated to learn that much of our “stuff” was ruined by a rodent infestation. i was angry and sad and disgusted and in the end, felt cheated. my husband encouraged me that they are just things and though i know this to be true, they were the only tangible piece of our lives before all of that. they filled my dreams and gave me hope that we would one day be what we were.
so i’m just being real when i say it was a struggle, it still is in a way.
i now find myself absolutely obsessed/in love with/always on pinterest. most of 2011 found me pinning things into an imaginary home. beautiful photos of clean whites and gorgeous floors. perfectly kept up kids rooms and bathrooms not covered in little boy pee or toothpaste stains. the kitchens have amazing light and so much space my entire family could camp out in the middle of them.
while i love pinterest for some awesome DIY projects and ideas, and you won’t find me leaving it any time soon – i’ve definitely had to get some perspective. i can either spend my kids’ entire childhood attempting to have a magazine-quality home, or simply enabling them to have a happy home. because for me, the more i try try try to have a picture perfect bedroom or a kitchen that all of the internet will envy, the unhappier i am.
when i photograph our lives, when i instagram our day to day happenings – am i being real? am i fixing things up for the picture, for the followers, or am i documenting us? i hope it’s the latter.
so yes, no matter how much i clean it or beg the boys to sit to pee… their bathroom will always be a mess. as much as i try to read books on organization and balancing time, the laundry will always sit in the hallway three days too long.
it’s been a year of evolution for me. constantly learning things the hard way and waking up each day vowing to make it something amazing. most days i fall short of my own expectations but i’m a work in progress.
so, cheers to new beginnings (again). to messy bathrooms and unfinished (with good intentions) projects. may you find the peace that i hope to find as well soon.