thoughts on my blog, rules, and writing.

dear you out there,

writing tonight because i feel such the urge to. because i am not sure what exactly i’m trying to say yet i can’t think of a single other way to get this weight off my chest than to be here, in this cozy corner i call home. i’m warning all 3 of you reading it’s gonna be a hot mess.

the last few months i’ve questioned my blog, questioned my objective, where i want it to go – if anywhere. wondered if i should just toss it and start over. maybe i’ll just instagram? perhaps i’ll do a tumblr. my mind has spun and i’ve had many a conversation with friends regarding this. when i started the creative mama i had a goal, an objective. i wanted a place that women could come together and just… be. be creative, be inspired, be encouraged. it was my baby from the start. i had a fun color story, interesting topics, and eventually super-incredible voices that shared the platform with me. through that little decision i made in december of 2008 to buy a domain, i have literally changed the course of my life. trying to think back to the amazing friendships, opportunities, and moments that have come into my life because of tcm – overwhelms me.

when i sold it, i felt sadness but i felt peace. i knew it was the right time, the right decision. i had no idea why, but i just knew. i knew passing the torch to them would bring about the best outcome for the blog and in turn give me the opportunity to simply be… myself. to be open to whatever was next. motherhood, photography, writing, i had no idea.

and i still don’t.

i’m months shy of thirty and still feel as if i’m floundering about. unsure of my place. unsure of my blog. just unsure. thus far this blog has been pictures + words. lots of pictures, lots of words. i pour my soul out here and i’ve made friends here and i’ve formed a foundation here. but what if i want more? or less? i’m thrilled to write for two amazing blogs in addition and have taken up some copywork as well, but what about that creative part of me? where does she fit in? the one obsessed with pinterest, color stories, changing my wall color like i change my nail polish?

my very best friend of 20-something years always says “ang, there are no rules! make it what you want!” and i laugh as i write because if she reads this she too will giggle at me and my never ending rule-making. i guess i have a hard time merging things, parts of my life like that. i like to make cute little compartments. keeping things in their place, with a pretty ribbon on it or something.

i want so badly to share the dark parts of my world. such as when i weaned quinn, the deep , gut wrenching depression that followed (i didn’t think could get worse than it already had been) and how it led to my stopping mornings with quinn, i want to talk about what it’s like to have addiction in your family tree, to be as raw and honest as i can about my struggles with weight. yet, i also want to show the cute hair things i make quinn. i want to chat about my dreams for the boys new room when we move or how i decided when we moved here to donate all our drinking glasses so we could use only mason jars when we’re back on our own. those things don’t belong together. do they? so vast, so far from one another. it’s all a jumble of me though. the good, the bad, the creative, and the ugly.

but. but. but…

i’m stuck. i don’t want to be but i am. i think ‘gosh i should just write a memoir’ and then i can blog my creative side. so i immediately want to start that. told you, hot mess.

so i ask myself – yet again. where am i? why am i here? what is my purpose? do i break the rules i’ve made myself? i sigh and lay my head on the pillow. begging for rest to come. when the answers reach me i’ll be sure to share.

xo,

ang

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big news.

so um, did you see my newest “badge” over there on the ole sidebar? the pretty red one?

what a complete honor it was to be asked to join the simple team with their launch of simple design. squeal! if you’ve been reading for some time you’ll know my long time dream has been to write. to write and be read. to be published, or… compensated, or recognized. ultimately to write and encourage someone else or inspire or just give them something interesting! last fall that dream slowly started to come true when paper coterie contacted me, then more recently tsh wrote offering me this amazing position contributing to one of her amazing blogs.

speechless. excited. thrilled.

so, please browse over to the brand sparkling new simple design, tell your friends, and stay tuned for loads of yummy eye candy from the super collaboration of artists!

happy thursday!

ps check out the awesome giveaway below – paper coterie? yes please!

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Giveaway Paper Coterie! (ended)

update: congrats to annie! thanks for playing along friends!

as you may know, i’m proud to be a contributor everyday storyteller with paper coterie. i absolutely love writing there and being a part of such an amazing group of women. i’ve got a fun giveaway for you today too!

paper coterie has generously offered a journal to one lucky reader of my little blog here. free! journal! yay!

simply leave a comment here to be entered! contest ends friday night, 10pm PST. winner will be notified here on the blog as well as email.

xo!

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planting & hoping.

we’ve never really succeeded in raising baby plants. our carrots of 2009 didn’t grow more than 2 inches, the tomato plant of 2010 met her demise during a forgetful spring. it’s not that we don’t want to do well, we just… forget. pretty sad right? this year we vowed to be different. promised each other we would do our best to love and nurture our little seedlings until they were ready for our bellies.

pinterest gave me the bright idea of starting some seeds in citrus peel. perfect! we had lemons and oranges.

april 1 rolled around and we began. feeling hopeful, feeling ready.

not even a few days later the first green began to emerge and you’d think we had won the lottery. hollering and cheering all around!

we’ve since transplanted these little ones to the yard. pressed them into the soil and bid them good luck. reminds me so much of us as a family this year. full of promise, of love, and of hope. we’re hopeful this year and nothing can get in our way.

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birthday boy.

you look lonely” he said, standing above me in a fitted varsity baseball uniform. his dark wavy hair fell just right and i tried to hide my excitement. truth was, i did feel pretty lonely. i was brand new to the school, coming in 3/4 of the way through the year. what on earth was this gorgeous senior doing talking to me a sophmore? he couldn’t possibly be serious, right? weren’t there 30 other girls who would have gladly given him the time of day? i can’t remember my response but i’m pretty sure it was with a smile.

it was 6th period drama class, spring of 1998. turns out those three words would lead to a first date, and a first kiss, and the beginnings of what would be the best decision i’ve ever made. we’ve celebrated 13 birthdays together now, he and i. from young and infatuated to not quite so young and ridiculously in love.

my how things have changed – here we are… three kids, some tears, lots of laughs, and so many memories later. he still makes me weak in the knees and i feel pretty lucky to be by his side.

happy birthday baby. love you much.

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