

dear you out there,
writing tonight because i feel such the urge to. because i am not sure what exactly i’m trying to say yet i can’t think of a single other way to get this weight off my chest than to be here, in this cozy corner i call home. i’m warning all 3 of you reading it’s gonna be a hot mess.
the last few months i’ve questioned my blog, questioned my objective, where i want it to go – if anywhere. wondered if i should just toss it and start over. maybe i’ll just instagram? perhaps i’ll do a tumblr. my mind has spun and i’ve had many a conversation with friends regarding this. when i started the creative mama i had a goal, an objective. i wanted a place that women could come together and just… be. be creative, be inspired, be encouraged. it was my baby from the start. i had a fun color story, interesting topics, and eventually super-incredible voices that shared the platform with me. through that little decision i made in december of 2008 to buy a domain, i have literally changed the course of my life. trying to think back to the amazing friendships, opportunities, and moments that have come into my life because of tcm – overwhelms me.
when i sold it, i felt sadness but i felt peace. i knew it was the right time, the right decision. i had no idea why, but i just knew. i knew passing the torch to them would bring about the best outcome for the blog and in turn give me the opportunity to simply be… myself. to be open to whatever was next. motherhood, photography, writing, i had no idea.
and i still don’t.
i’m months shy of thirty and still feel as if i’m floundering about. unsure of my place. unsure of my blog. just unsure. thus far this blog has been pictures + words. lots of pictures, lots of words. i pour my soul out here and i’ve made friends here and i’ve formed a foundation here. but what if i want more? or less? i’m thrilled to write for two amazing blogs in addition and have taken up some copywork as well, but what about that creative part of me? where does she fit in? the one obsessed with pinterest, color stories, changing my wall color like i change my nail polish?
my very best friend of 20-something years always says “ang, there are no rules! make it what you want!” and i laugh as i write because if she reads this she too will giggle at me and my never ending rule-making. i guess i have a hard time merging things, parts of my life like that. i like to make cute little compartments. keeping things in their place, with a pretty ribbon on it or something.
i want so badly to share the dark parts of my world. such as when i weaned quinn, the deep , gut wrenching depression that followed (i didn’t think could get worse than it already had been) and how it led to my stopping mornings with quinn, i want to talk about what it’s like to have addiction in your family tree, to be as raw and honest as i can about my struggles with weight. yet, i also want to show the cute hair things i make quinn. i want to chat about my dreams for the boys new room when we move or how i decided when we moved here to donate all our drinking glasses so we could use only mason jars when we’re back on our own. those things don’t belong together. do they? so vast, so far from one another. it’s all a jumble of me though. the good, the bad, the creative, and the ugly.
but. but. but…
i’m stuck. i don’t want to be but i am. i think ‘gosh i should just write a memoir’ and then i can blog my creative side. so i immediately want to start that. told you, hot mess.
so i ask myself – yet again. where am i? why am i here? what is my purpose? do i break the rules i’ve made myself? i sigh and lay my head on the pillow. begging for rest to come. when the answers reach me i’ll be sure to share.
xo,
ang



so um, did you see my newest “badge” over there on the ole sidebar? the pretty red one?








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