a few months ago i had a profound moment. one of those where the skies stand still and the oceans silence. everything quieted and i heard very, very clearly something from God that i keep going back to.
He said “i could have given you cancer, but i chose to give you this”
what is this? this is icky and dark and nearly as painful if not more than my seasons of post-partum. it’s very real and very much a bigger part of my life than i’d like.
i have self image issues.
body issues. whatever you want to call it that sounds so… simple and so vague. sounds like nothing – but the truth is that it has changed me and it has changed my thinking and my daily routine. and not for the good. it’s changed my desire to see people (friends even), it’s put a dark curtain over my eyes. blocking joy and blocking light. it’s turned me into a person/friend/mother/wife i don’t like.
but He said, “i could have given you cancer, but i chose to give you this“. i was standing in my bathroom when i heard it. when i felt it. immediately i began to weep. uncontrollably. quickly i told my mom and sister and close friend, the few people with who i share this season with. i knew i needed to share it with someone, to affirm its truth. i didn’t want to forget as long as i live what HE did for me. that HE chose this for me over a life threatening illness that has taken more than one precious young mama i know. in that regard He said to me, “be grateful, in all things.”
i would be lying if i said my life changed that warm summer day. that since then, i’ve been confident and bursting with joy. no, of course not. but it has been a constant on my mind. when my friend rachel came to visit, she forced me in front of the camera. yes forced. she spent the rest of the evening drilling into my head how ‘beautiful i am’. and when i saw the images i saw a gorgeous and amazing little gift (my quinny) then i saw myself. i saw disappointment and grief. i was mourning the person/the body/the spirit of a woman lost in years of PPD and life changes, and tiny events that together form this new person, this new body.
lately i’ve been asking myself why i hide? why i stay secluded in this shell. that’s not me, that’s not the girl i feel like. yet i look in the mirror and i don’t recognize this person, this body. i still feel like the girl who loved her size four GAP jeans that were a bit loose. i still feel like the young mama that wore a two piece bathing suit to the beach with my then two-year-old son. i still feel like the girl that obsessively counted her points and wouldn’t dare go over. inside that confident and spirited person sits dormant.
and alas i’m not, i’m not that girl. i’m a mama of three now, who barely has a moment to herself. i’m certainly not anywhere near those size fours. yet i’m a hard-working artist. i’m a loving wife that sadly feels at times she’s failed her husband. also though? i’m exhausted. exhausted of hiding from this disordered way of thinking. exhausted from trying so hard NOT to love myself as i am. just plain, exhausted.
am i any less creative as a size 14? am i any less talented? am i less of a mother, of a wife? of a friend? am i any less to the Lord?
i have felt such a block in my blogging. i’ve hidden behind my insecurities, behind my children, behind my camera. and i think i finally know why. i think because i have disliked this person for so long i’ve not felt at peace to be me.
so here i am world. this is me. flaws and all. i am a work, a huge work in progress, but i miss this space and i miss the me that i know is in there. and if you see me on the street, if i come to you feeling down about myself or thinking negatively – will you remind me what He said? remind me that He chose this for me? that i am actually blessed with this struggle?
i am here to introduce myself to you all. hi, my name is angie and i am flawed. i am a size 14 but i refuse to continue to define myself by it. i refuse to waste even a day more hiding behind the shame i have brought to myself. i refuse to continue this torment.
and it’s with a terrified yet hopeful heart i vow to show you me. to allow myself the freedom to say ‘it’s okay to not be a size four again‘. and ‘it’s okay to be photographed‘. and ‘it’s okay to love myself‘.
because as my sister says, “be the best you that you can be no matter where you are” – size four or twenty four. i hope you will do this with me.
and thank you rachel for the photos. i sincerely cherish every. single. one.
xo, me
caitlin - deep sigh of relief. thank you for being so brave and forthcoming.
Jennifer O. Romeoandmae - I needed this. I too get down and hold myself back a lot. It’s hard being 5′ 1″ and a size 12. But I remind myself that this body made 5 beautiful kids and I deserve to love life as do you. You’re very beautiful and I’ve wondered what you look like (I follow you on ig) so it’s nice to see your face with your precious little one!
Becky Neville - If only you could see yourself as I did today when I came over from Abby Leigh’s place. You and your and your baby are beautiful. VERY beautiful. I understand about self inspections…but they are most often false. ~Blessings
Laurene - I haven’t been a size 14 since college. I have given up hope that i will ever be a size 14 again. It’s so far away as to be intangible now. No, I’m a size 30-32 now. My shirts are a 4X. I don’t believe I eat more than my smaller friends. But of course the world believes I do because of all those shows that are being made that depict heavy people as being gluttons. I think God made some of us different sizes, because God likes variety. I got picked to be one of the more corpulent sizes. I don’t know why. It must be for a reason though. Everything is for a reason. Sometimes we get to know why this side of heaven. Some things we won’t find out until we step beyond this life into eternity. And maybe some things simply won’t matter any more that we’ll never think about it to ask. This might be one of those things. It probably matters only as much as we allow the devil to use it as a torment against us. If we can rest totally in God’s love, it probably won’t matter at all any more. And if there is any element that matters about it, perhaps to improve our health so that we can accomplish His will to reach others with the message of Good News more effectively, then He will help us with that aspect of it.
God bless you. And just remember, some of us would love to be the size you are now. But we don’t get much of a choice in the matter about it either.
Nancy - you are beautiful – both of you:)
Laura C. - I must say…size 14 looks amazing! You are STUNNING!
God bless you & give you peace. Thanks for sharing.
Christy - Hi Angie. I understand. I have never been comfortable with my body, even at my smallest of 115 pounds. Never. I, too, have suffered with PPD. I am now going through a divorce and will be a single mom to 5 and a couple of them have special needs. I know that I am a good mom, but I can not stand to see my self in photographs. I am now about 5 pounds off of what I weighed when I gave BIRTH to my twins and I’m not even pregnant. It makes me sad. It makes me depressed. It makes me want to hide, too. YOU are beautiful. Looking at your images above, you are stunning. Truly stunning. From your words, you have a beautiful heart, as well.
Erin Oveis Brant - Angie, I want you to know that I completely understand how you feel and I’m currently working through a similar struggle. Your bravery here is so inspiring! I have to let you know that my initial reaction to these photos was pure amazement at what a beautiful and radiant woman you are. Your daughter is gorgeous, but you absolutely glow. Keep shining, mama…you are perfect just the way you are…
Marilyn S - You are beautiful. Recognize it now and appreciate your life. I speak from experience. I know it’s not easy but focus on the precious children and loving husband. Stop hiding. I wish I’d done that when I had the chance.
Thea - Your words…simple, rich, and truly refreshing. I love your transparency and raw emotion. “You are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made…” God is sharpening you and polishing you to be His daughter, friend and love. Your beauty is from Him and He is the best artist, who only creates Masterpieces.
Hugs, kisses, and prayers,
Thea xo
Glenda Childers - Your words are sweet and honest and beautiful. Thank you.
Heather - You are so completely beautiful!!! I’m not just saying that because it’s the expected comment to a blog post like this – I wish I were half as gorgeous as you are!
Nichole Alvarado - I feel like you just wrote the story of my heart right now. I keep telling myself that the person I see in the mirror and the person I am reflecting is not ME. Inside, I feel completely different than I project. Like my body, mind & spirit don’t match. Thank you for putting this struggle that so many of us face out there. You’re transparency is so loved & appreciated!
Rachel (Piperh79) - I can relate to everything you wrote. And honestly, I’m shocked to read that you feel this way. You are SO beautiful. I mean that. Size is a number and yes, it can bring us down, but don’t let that feeling rob you of your life. Enjoy every second. You are beautiful. And have a beautiful family. And life is too damn short.
Love you!
PS I’m a size 14. If we lived closer I’d totally be borrowing your clothes. And your kids. Because they’re adorable. Just like you.
Sara - Being a size 14 isn’t a flaw. It’s just not. You are so beautiful. Not despite your size. Not because of it. God isn’t like, “You don’t look like a model, which is my ideal, but I love you anyway.” Seriously.
I’m not saying this to say that what you wrote is invalid. It’s really hard to be constantly bombarded by weird messages about how you should look by society. It’s even harder when people Christianize it, like God wants his men to have trophy wives or some craziness. You are so freakin’ beautiful. Please do everything you can to not let awful cultural standards of beauty, which are only intended to set an unreasonable standard for women so that they buy a lot of stuff to “fix” themselves, into your mind or home…please wear whatever you want and smile your beautiful smile and believe people when they tell you you’re gorgeous. This post just pains me to the darn core because I hate that the world has lied to you about your body. That’s what brings me to tears – sad and angry ones.
suzannah | the smitten word - this is beautiful and so are you. glad i found my way here. to freedom!
Melanie - Angie, you continue to amaze and inspire me. I am so proud of you for talking about this. It took me a long time to be able to talk about this, especially with my teenage students. They have watched me struggle to drop pounds and become a healthier version of myself. What I have to continue to remind myself is that this struggle is important for them to see. Many of them are not satisfied with how they look (to be honest, how many of us were at 16?) and need someone to show them that it’s ok to feel uneasy about their body image, that it is a struggle that most women face and that it’s ok to love yourself and do healthy things for yourself to feel better. Opening this dialogue is critical for women. None of us are perfect…
Emily Cela - So beautiful Ang. Thank you for sharing….it’s inspired me:)
Ashley - I am two weeks postpartum with my fourth baby and as I read this post, I got a huge lump in my throat. I could have written this myself. Currently, I am at the largest weight I’ve ever been and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I can feel its affect with my lack of desire to be in pictures with my new baby, the crazy feeling that I need to jump into a workout routine, etc etc. I needed to read your post today so much. I needed the reminder that I am beautiful no matter the size. Thank you.
melissa rhodes - I know where you are. I am there too. I have six children and have had post partum after most of them. I take pictures of me with the kids even tho I am a size 14 as well and used to be a size 2 before I got pregnant with my fifth child. I am grateful to have taken those photos everyday because they let me look back and SEE that things are not as bad as they seem. There were good times in the midst of the bad. I hope that I feel better and know that I will eventually loose the weight just not right now as it is hard with the depression to motivated to care about what i eat etc. I wish you all the best in your journey and just know there are others in the same boat and who would root for you!
Mandy Jaeger - Thank you for always being real.
I’m sure you’ve heard the fact that Marilyn Monroe was a size12-14 and she contines to be one of the must iconically beautiful woman who ever was.
On a personal note…. I have NEVER been a size 4. I never will be. I am 5ft1 and have struggled for a long time with weight. I lost weight after my last pregnancy and I was a size 14 when my body decided to stop losing anymore. I ate right, I worked out regularly. I was healthy. Not by a “normal” or even the medically skewed standard, but physically, I was healthy.
Even if I was technically overweight for my height,I was healthy. I felt beautiful. I wasn’t meant to be a size 4…and I was okay with that. My body carried children, it protected them. I have literal scars that proved it! It reminds me that I did the most important thing with this size 14, imperfect body. AND…when I accepted that I was beautiful, I was literally told how great I looked all.the.time.
It’s not because I was. It’s because I *thought * I was. I hope that you will look at yourself and know that you are stunning. And then others will remind you all.the.time….
Jenn - Came here from Sorta Crunchy. This just spoke words of truth and wisdom to me I needed to hear. I have been struggling with my weight since my last child. 5 years ago. I am a runner and an avid calorie counter. My Fitness Pal is my secret BFF. I step on the scale 5-10 times A DAY wondering if it has changed. I’m obsessed because I can’t lose the weight. At. All.
It effects everything about me. I love fashion but feel like I am not worthy enough to dress trendy because I’m overweight. I always (ALWAYS) look at other women thinking “I wish I could wear shorts”, “I would love to tuck my jeans into my boots if I didn’t feel like my legs were tree trunks” I am constantly jealous of skinny moms who are back to their pre-preg jeans weeks after giving birth. I refuse to have my picture taken if it a full body shot. Only waist up please!
The other day in the shower God spoke to me and told me that 1) I should be as obsessed about my heart and my relationship with Him as much as I am about my weight 2) I need to be thankful in ALL THINGS. Even in my weight. Even in my size 16 jeans. Even in my self doubt, self hatred, lack of confidence. All Things. Period. No buts, no nothing.
It is so hard, so painful to thing back to my skinny days, but those days are before my 3 boys. Before anyone called me Momma, before I stayed up at night praying for their fever to go away, before a tiny hand grabbed mine just because he wanted to hold it. I so badly some days want to go back those size 6 jeans but know what I have now is far more precious than any number on a tag.
Now if only I could believe that every day.
Janine - Hi Angie I am an IG follower. The funny thing about IG is that you get a sense of who a person is on there without often ever knowing that person for real. I just wanted to say that I love your photos and the feelings of love and family and warmth that seep out of them. I don’t know anything about self-image issues but I do think you are beautiful (have you seen those photos above?!) and your kids clearly think you rock. If He has given ‘this’ to you He has also given you everything you need to get through it. And this perspective you have on it is part of that. J x
Lorena Mora - Oh Angie, it’s like you are speaking about me with this post. Exactly how I feel. I’ve cancelled things because of how I see myself and avoid certain events. I hide from the camera. The funny thing is that the important people in our lives, don’t care what we look like and don’t critize us. My kids don’t see that I’m overweight, they see mommy the one that plays with them and helps them, etc. That’s what matters.
Thank you for reminding me what’s really important and putting things in perspective.
The photos of you and Quinn are beautiful, you are beautiful and I only wish that I had been brave like you when my daughter was a baby and had been photographed as you have. Your friend is very special even if she had to force you in front of the camera, you will always have those special moments with your babies.
Kelly @ Love Well - This is truth, beautifully said.
You are no less to God, and I would bet you are only more to those in your life who love you. Our physical bodies are gifts, but they are not to be worshiped.
Remember who you are and whose you are.
(P.S. You are beautiful.)
Sam - Such a beautiful and touching post. And amazingly gorgeous pictures of you and your daughter. You are truly blessed.
Motherhood has taken its toll on my body too.. But I’m working on it, slowly.. You could check out MuTU system, it’s helping me and many other mamas. (I’m not affiliated in anyway to it btw.. Just sharing the love) x x
SortaCrunchy - Angie. Woman. You are BEAUTIFUL. Like DANG.
This is so beautiful and real and speaks of so, so much freedom. Here’s to loving ourselves as we are, in this moment.
BrownThumbMama - Angie, you ARE beautiful. I see love and beauty in your eyes and in your sweet little baby’s. I agree with Mary above–don’t hide you light under a bushel basket. Let it shine!
Coming to you from Megan at SortaCrunchy.
Maryellen Godinez - You are beautiful. Let your beauty shine. Don’t let a number on the scale or a number in a pair of pants define who you are. Your gorgeous and by getting in front of the camera you are making memories for your children to cherish forever. P.S. I have never been a size 4 even when I was 4 and I doubt I will get back to my original weight… really 7lbs 2 oz that’s a long shot.
Heather Stockett - I don’t know you, but I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in this. Your words are amazing… “i could have given you cancer, but i chose to give you this.” I’ve never thought of it that way, but that has brought tears to my eyes. I am also a mom of 3 (18 month old twins and a 4 year old) and like to think of myself as a skinny mini like I was the day my husband and I got married.
You are beautiful, my dear…inside and out. <3
Kelcy - Wow, I actually have tears in my eyes. You wrote everything I feel and would like to say but can never find the words. It is hitting me that maybe for this last year, maybe I am experiencing PPD… I don’t like who I am, the wife I have become and I feel like an empty mess. Thank you so much Angie for shedding a little light on the situation and you are absolutely beautiful!!
jules - You and your baby are beautiful. Period. You’ve given life to three miracles and your body is an ode to that feat.
<3
dearabbyleigh - angie,
my first thought when i see these pictures of you is just how beautiful you are with your baby girl. this is my first time hear and i am floored by your honesty, which is also beautiful. i hope we can all take a sip from your chalice of truth. start where you are, they say. be your best you today and just watch how you shine.
i’m so happy to meet you in this moment of truth.
xoxo
abby
Daniela - I was there in SF when Rachel took your photos and I can only say you were then and now a beautiful woman! How brave of you to share your story.
Arianne - Angie, I’m crying. This is so beautiful, YOU are so beautiful. Your eyes, they do shine. Even if the confidence is dormant as you say, YOU SHINE. God in you shines out those gorgeous eyes and that flawless skin and that beautiful-bore-babies-body.
Thank you THANK YOU for this. You are another person in the journey of freedom, speaking our shame into the light is what we need to keep doing. *standing ovation*
Nitny - Thanks for sharing…I’m sure it was hard to publish, but thank you. Those pictures of you and Quinn are priceless…
Meghyn - I should have opted for the waterproof this morning. Why does this world have to be so hard on us and condition us to think such poison? I lost a perfect body to my babies and I have a semi prolapsed uterus which also makes me feel very negative about myself. I put a lot of vanity in my hair when I lost the bod and God convicted me of it recently and I cut most of it off. It is hard to be a mom, grow older, be a wife, love ourselves so we can love others… I have not figured it out yet. This was a good blog for me to read.
Carrie Owens - Thank you so much for being so open and honest, this post has touched me and inspired me so very much. Thank you.
melissa zihlman - flaws are perfection in God’s eyes. embracing them is hard, when the ideals set forth by the media are constantly pelting you in the face, but in doing so we draw closer to Him. keep on. and thank you for sharing her what so many women feel each and every day.
Danielle - oh how much i admire you for posting this, friend. you’re such an inspiration. i fear to admit that i feel the *exact* same way, but i look at my children and know that it’s not been in vain. i don’t sit in the house, not participating in this family, eating bon bons. i am active, i am loving my children, i am partnering with my husband. you and are so much alike in this regard.
you’re amazing. and i’m so glad that i know you. <3
darrah parker - Hi, Angie. My name is Darrah and I’m a size 14.
I have been struggling with this new body I have post-baby, waiting for the pounds to melt away, but they’re not. Ugh.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your truth. You are not alone.
I read this the other day and found it comforting: http://rachelwcole.com/2012/10/01/what-i-know-about-weight/
Sending you love.
Mary - For so long I have felt very similar. Your words are inspiring, Ange. You are a beautiful bright light, shine. <3 Thank you for sharing. You are so amazing, talented and so many great things. I admire you!